Somehow this seems to be an epidemic and many women prefer to not want to address this issue. However, it has come to my attention that this cycle needs to end. Now while I was dating, my then boyfriend was supportive, attentive, spontaneous and just seemed like my everything. He would take me out often; make plans for where we would go on the weekends and was just the sweetest guy you could ever meet. He would always comment on how beautiful I am and how he just couldn't live without me. He was always well groomed and pleasing to my overall senses. Now, as time progressed, during our courting period we discussed that we wanted to have a child. Times were hard but a woman reaches a time in her life when she feels that urge to start a family and for me.. for us it was that time.
Prior to getting pregnant, he stated how he had always wanted a child and I had no reason to believe that he would not be a good father based on what I saw during our brief dating period. Okay got pregnant. Oh my god! He was the most caring person throughout my pregnancy. He never missed a doctor's appointment and sacrificed to make sure I was taken care of while I was pregnant, especially since I had stopped working.
We ran down to the court house and tied the knot three months into my pregnancy and baby came six months after. Now mind you I had a cesarean section so I was unable to do much while I recovered and there was not that much money to go around. As a matter of fact, he had to go back to work a day after I gave birth and I had no family to help out while I recovered and took care of a new born baby. My legs were swollen, had the usual period that comes with afterbirth, hemorrhoids flared up, breasts leaking, and nursing cesarean section and let us not discuss postpartum syndrome. Now I am stuck in a house all day with a new born baby basically 24 hours a day with no adult interaction. Now when my husband comes home he is looking around for dinner and wants to go to bed and sleep. Now while I am appreciative of the fact that he is the breadwinner of our now three family household, I somehow felt that that did not relinquish him of his fatherly duties.
Now anyone who has ever had a newborn baby knows what I am talking about. You have to sit on the toilet while breast feeding because something about a crying newborn just commands this sense of urgency. You have to take a one second shower if you are that lucky and you never get a break. Now while all this is going on your husband says he understands but does he really? He complains that he works throughout the day and that somehow that is similar to your 24hour 7 days a week childcare from which you get absolutely no break. You are essentially in a prison. You cry alone, you are afraid of complaining because you don't want to seem like a bad mother and you want to seem like that woman on television who after seeing her child being born for the first time is all smiles. So you suffer alone. You reach out to your husband and he just says he has to go to work. You are left all alone in a home with the child, no adult interaction, suffering from the blues and oh my god every time you disrobe and look at your post baby body you just spiral even more into depression. Again you cry alone and stay in your little prison where your only glimmer of hope comes when you hear the post man at the front door and you see another adult once a day or a month until the next delivery. You are so alone. If you finally manage to pack up stroller and diaper bag to go to the park you are probably too tired or afraid after being away from the world for what seems an eternity and may just end up going back to your 10 minute power nap. You read books on child rearing until that bores you. You occasionally browse the Internet for some kind of connection to someone who may be able to provide some relief from your loneliness but nothing can be found that honestly discuss what you are feeling.
You walk around in your bathrobe looking like a complete mess but hey who cares? You seem to have lost all contact with the outside world anyway. Everyday seems bleak and you seem to be looking at yourself from outside yourself. And while all this is going on where is your husband? He is at work. He is supporting his family and so you don't want to complain. But now you start to resent him. He thinks that is his only role. All he needs to do is bring in money and you should hold down the fort and manage to cook a good piece of steak for his dinner. He still looks fabulous while you look like you got hit with the front end of a tractor trailer right after being his by a train.
If you complain he is quick to ridicule your childcare abilities. So you ask yourself, well if he is such an expert why the hell doesn't he take over? He takes his time and get dressed for work while you try to just use the toilet for one measly minute uninterrupted. He leisurely sips his coffee while you try to breast feed and stuff a bagel down your throat while you have some peace. He whisks off to work and manages to smell the roses along the way... all this while you look out from your bedroom window a.ka. your prison cell and get ready to start a never-ending hectic day.
What happened? When did we decide that I would bear the sole responsibility of raising a child and becoming a stay at home mom? What about my career? Why does yours take precedence over mine? Why do I have to now feel like a child getting lunch money when you give me money? What don't you understand when I say I need a break? Why don't you help out more? What happened to the man I met? If both of us made this child who decided that I would be the one joined by the hip to this child for the rest of my life while you still seem to have a regular life? I have sacrificed my body; I have the stretch marks, baby fat, bags and sags to prove it. I have sacrificed my career.. I have the lack of income to prove that. I have lost all contact with the outside world... I have the pale skin to prove it. But you have not lost or given up anything. How did this happen? Why did this happen? Is there some unspoken agreement that was made that I have no recollection of? Other ladies need to know what to expect when they plan on having a child. The dynamics of your relationship with your significant other and the outside world dramatically change and no one ever speaks of it. It is not what it looks like on television or what you see looking in at other people's relationships. Young women need to be told that. It is a lot of work and sacrifices especially on the part of the woman and women need to stop pretending that everything is rosy and perfect while they cry in the closets at nights...alone. Women need to demand support and take care of themselves because no one else will. No one knows you better than you. You need to save a little of that care and nurturing for yourself.
When I got married I did not sign up for this.
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